About clembeauvais

Children's author and PhD student at the university of Cambridge. The first book in my series in English, 'Sesame Seade', is out with Hodder in May 2013. I've been published in French since 2010.

Sesame News

I fear that the abundance of Sesame-related stuff on this blog may result in my getting ranked first in oriental recipe searches. I promise normal non-self-promo service will resume shortly – but in the meantime…

1) Sarah Horne, a.k.a the person responsible for the zany illustrations in Sleuth on Skates and other Sesame books to follow, is doing a sale of original artwork on her website!

artwork-1-ss

Today’s work on sale!

WHEN? WHEN? –> as we speak!

WHERE? WHERE? –> right there!

UNTIL WHEN? UNTIL WHEN? –> until it’s all gone! so hurry up and get your own original ink drawings from the scribbler girl!

2) The first chapter of Sleuth on Skates is now online. So get a feel of the whole book in just a few pages by clicking here!

3) The BOOK GIVEAWAY is still going! so far people have mentioned that they’d quite like to be supersleuths-on-stegosaurus, snowboards, go-karts, invisible camels… the list goes on. What would you like to be? Head there and tell me, and you might very well win the book.

And now I’m going to bed. Night!

Clem x

Sesame Seade Book Giveaway!

One week! Better rush!

One week! Better rush!

The first book in my Sesame Seade series, Sleuth on Skates, is coming out in just ONE WEEK!

I’ve been told a week is generally composed of seven days, so that takes us to Thursday, May 2nd!

To celebrate, I have procrastinated to the max and postponed edits to my PhD thesis, and with my little fingers I’ve crocheted a cool sort of website for the series which can be found by clicking HERE. It’s full of info about the books, the author (that’s me), the illustrator (that’s Sarah), and Sesame’s world, friends and trivia.

For the massively lazy amongst you, here’s the blurb about the books, all copied and pasted here for the pleasure of your frankly quite lovely eyes.

And if you read to the end you’ll get to the part about the BOOK GIVEAWAY!

well, not really. You can just skip the long writing and get to the book giveaway.

__________________________________________________________________

Sesame Seade (her real first name is allegedly Sophie, but ‘Sophie Seade’ doesn’t make any sense, does it?) is an audacious, precocious, slightly obnoxious, roller-skating self-made-superheroine. There are as many connections in her brain as there are stars in the universe, which is the case for everyone, but not everyone uses them to save the world as regularly as she does.

What are the books like?

They’re pretty funny. According to a rumour, even Professors chuckle when they read them. And Professors are people who only chuckle when they have carefully weighed the pros and cons of chuckling (pro: rush of endorphin to the brain; con: distasteful noise). They’re full of action and adventure. They have quite a lot of animals in them, including: ducks, cats, grasshoppers, hornets, hedgehogs, toads, frogs, parents. They’ve got cool illustrations for eyes to take small breaks before the adventure goes on. They’ve got puns and jokes and references to things you’ve never heard of.

Who are the books for?

People who are very sad and need cheering up; people who are very happy and need even more happiness; people who are just at normal levels of happiness and want to be entertained. Of course children between 8 and 11 are the most likely to pick it up. But they’re also suitable for a lot of other people. For example, people who sneeze in the sun; people who work in banks; people who play the clarinet; people who have more than one dog; people who would like to be better cooks; people who smell bad in the morning; people who don’t think it’s necessary to carry an umbrella at all times; people whose parents have asked them as Friends on Facebook; people who constantly get their left and right mixed up; people who have dimples on their bumcheeks; people who don’t think they’ll like the books.

How many books are there going to be?

So far, three: Sleuth on Skates, Gargoyles Gone AWOL and Scam on the Cam. The first one takes place on land; the second one takes Sesame to the rooftops; the third one is on the riverside… And all of them have things in them that are not completely Health & Safety conscious.

And how can one read those cool-sounding books?

First, one must learn to read, or find someone who can read and ask them nicely if they can read them to one, insisting that they shall enjoy the process very much as they are full of fun and adventure.

Then, the books can be either bought or borrowed. They can be bought online here (Waterstones),here (Heffers), here (Foyles), here (Amazon), or they can be bought in the actual stores, or in any independent bookstore.

They can be borrowed from libraries. If they’re not there, one can ask the librarian nicely to get them for the library, insisting that it will be for the benefit of everyone as general levels of ‘hahaha’ and chuckles will be raised and the world will be a slightly happier place. If the librarian objects that the library must remain a quiet place and not one resonating with loud laughs, one can insist that they promise they will be very silent ‘hahaha’s, of the kind that hurt one’s stomach quite a lot more than Toby’s dad’s cooking (e.g. chicories with lard).

They can also be borrowed from friends who have them; in which case one must make sure that one’s friend will be OK with one snorting one’s drink all over the pages from laughter.

__________________________________________________________________

BOOK GIVEAWAY!

I’m giving away one copy of Sleuth on Skates to spread the joy and happiness and good health and thus help the NHS budget, which should bring me extra bonus points for the day I’m finally allowed to apply for British citizenship.

‘What do I have to do to get this joy and happiness and good health?’ I hear you ask.

Just leave a comment on this post in answer to this question:

If you were a supersleuth, what would be your means of locomotion?

Shameless.

Shameless.

Personally, I would definitely be a supersleuth-on-scooter. Look at me at 12 with my little scooter, little sister (holding a Pikachu cuddly toy – oh the noughties) and terrible glasses and even more terrible dress sense.

Leave your reply in the comments! On the day the book comes out (May 2nd), I will put all the names in a hat and draw one at random.

And if you retweet/ share this post, you will get two entries in the draw.

à bientôt!

Clem x

Famous authors

Fractured final jpegThe other day I went to a nice event by author Teri Terry at Heffers Children’s Books in Cambridge. Teri read from her latest book, Fractured, second in her futuristic trilogy which began with Slated.

When I arrived I talked to Teri for a bit and then sat down. There were already a bunch of people there, including three teen girls who were excitedly checking their watches and talking about the books and going, ‘She’s coming in one minute and forty seconds!’.

I chimed in: ‘You know, she’s already here.’

Girls: !!!?? WHERE???

Me: Over there in the pink top!

Girls: *squeals*

Teri came over and she talked a little bit to the suddenly very shy, very quiet trio of teens, and then one of them said, ‘That’s so cool! I’ve never met a famous author before!’

And Teri very modestly replied:

‘Me neither!’

Anyway, this cute exchange triggered many a memory of being asked the difficult question: ‘Have you ever met any famous authors?’

(Or its slightly more infrequent equivalent, which I got the other day at a school visit in Bordeaux:

‘Have you ever met any famous authors, like for example Jules Verne?’)

My bezzie Jules

My bezzie Jules

The problem is, of course, that since I read quite a lot, that I’m on Twitter a lot and that I know quite a few contemporary authors, especially for children, it’s hard for me to tell who’s considered ‘famous’ and who isn’t, from the point of view of someone-who-isn’t-me.

So last time I was asked that in France, the conversation went like that:

Me: Yes, I’ve met Jacqueline Wilson.

Class: *blank stare*

Me: And, erm, I’ve met Malorie Blackman.

Class: *blank stare*

Me: And I’ve met, erm, Philip Pullman?

Class: *blank stare*

Me: Come on, Philip Pullman, you must know Philip Pullman?… His Dark Materials? No?

Half of the class: Oh yeah! him!

Me: THANK GOD. So, out of curiosity, who do you think is a ‘famous author’?

Class: J.K. Rowling.

Me: Ok, apart from J.K. Rowling?

Class: The one who wrote *title of bestseller*, or the one who wrote *title of bestseller*, or…

Me: Ok, but do you know their names?

Class: Hmm… (no) (random names) (names sounding a little bit like the actual one) (names of wrong authors) (names of other celebrities, popstars, politicians, fictional characters)

So ‘famous authors’ aren’t generally known by name even by the kids who are avidly reading their books. As a kid I didn’t care about authors at all, despite being a tremendously voracious reader. I never wrote to any author. Ok, I would have written to J.K. Rowling, but I knew that my letter would be read by a secretary and I was too proud for that. I never went to any book events or signings or fairs. I never saw any value in the idea of a signed book anyway and certainly wouldn’t have queued up for one (ok, apart from J.K.Rowling).

Jennings is Bennett in French. Things you didn't know.

Jennings is Bennett in French. Things you didn’t know.

As for names, I only knew those of ‘my’ famous authors: my favourite ones. But it’s not as if everyone in France had heard of Anthony Buckeridge or Astrid Lindgren, which I pronounced wrong anyway, so if a random author had come to my school and said that they’d met either of them, I would have been the only kid going, ‘AMAZING! MOST FAMOUS AUTHOR EVER!’.

But anyway, that’s a very limited definition of ‘fame’. I was never really bothered to find out anything about them. I’d never seen their faces anywhere and would have been completely unable to recognise them in the street. I didn’t even know (I didn’t even think about it) that Astrid Lindgren was still alive; I only discovered it when I heard on TV that she’d died. I didn’t even know, for a long time, that Anthony Buckeridge was British (!). I just thought he’d set his stories in “England” just for kicks (for a six-year-old, any foreign country is no different to an imaginary land).

Mysteriously not-famous in the US.

Mysteriously not-famous in the US.

On that matter, Jacqueline Wilson told us a funny anecdote when she was in Cambridge last time. She was once in the US at a book fair and was talking to a roomful of children who had never heard of her. They, of course, asked her if she’d ever met any actually famous authors. She said she’d met J.K. Rowling in Britain. The children had all heard of Rowling, of course, but were astonished to hear that she and, by extension, Harry Potter, were British.

So there aren’t actually many ‘objectively’ famous authors whose names can reasonably be expected to trigger appreciative nods in most children and/or adults of the audience. And even if those objective winners of the celebrity lottery of literature are mentioned, it’s quite likely that people’s ‘wows!’ aren’t really linked to the person per se. They probably know very little about them and care even less. As one supervisee told me, ‘I love Toni Morrison, his books are great’…

In general, I think that the only people who are actually likely to 1) remember the names of more than 5 or 6 contemporary authors and 2) be interested in authors enough to know things about them beyond their writing X or Y famous book are voracious, committed readers, interested in the publishing industry, and interested in writers. They are people who probably have a Twitter account which they use to follow authors and publishers and blogs; who read magazines about literature; who go to bookshops and libraries quite often.

So, yeah, most likely, those people are… other authors (and editors, agents, book reviewers, book bloggers, librarians, booksellers of course.) There’s always a huge discrepancy, as a result, between our expectation of which authors other people (‘normal’ people) will know, and which ones they won’t. I frequently get irrationally annoyed when I tell people about someone whom I feel is universally famous, and am met with polite ignorance.

Name That Academic

Name That Academic

It’s like in academia. If I ask you to name a few famous academics (and you’re not yourself in the Ivory Tower), you’ll probably say Stephen Hawking, Richard Dawkins and perhaps Noam Chomsky and Simon Baron-Cohen and then leave it at that. But of course the big famous names of each discipline are huge celebrities for the people in that discipline, and in some way we all feel like everyone even in other disciplines should know them.

Anyway, very few people are ‘famous’ enough to be floating around in the ether encompassing all the little bubbles of our specialised fields. Identifying those people is key to answering the ‘do you know any famous’ questions, but actually fairly useless on all other levels, because these huge names have far less direct importance to us than the people who are famous-on-a-bubble-level. Because while the former are untouchable and unreachable, the latter are accessible, and most likely to help the community, to open their mouths and to enrich the discourses of our fields.

Getting published: France vs UK

This is a variation on the obligatory ‘How I Got Published’ post. Just like every honeymooner in Thailand must recount the two weeks in tedious detail to seemingly interested friends actually entertaining murderous thoughts, it is absolutely necessary for the Debut Author to explain in blog form, at some point before Book One comes out, how they went from manuscript to agent to publisher. In my case, this post is long overdue, so here it is.

But I thought I’d take this opportunity to offer a little comparison of the publishing systems in France and in the UK, since I’ve been published in France for three years, and that the two systems are interestingly different. I don’t claim that my experience is entirely representative (but whose is?), so take this with a pinch of salt (or with a pair of pincers, as the French would have it).

FRANCE: Alone in the jungle

In France, I started sending stuff to publishers when I was nine years old, because I was already joyously self-confident and deluded. I got dozens of adorable rejection letters. You get really nice rejection letters when you’re a kid; it’s when you turn 14 or so that the standard rejection letters start coming in. Anyway, I continued sending story after story after story for eleven years.

Eleven years during which our pet tortoise George-Alain grew from matchbox-sized to shoe-sized.

Eleven years during which our pet tortoise Georges-Alain grew from matchbox-sized to clog-sized.

Then something funny happened. When I was 20 I was interning for a French publisher over the summer, and I was beginning to know their list by heart. So I thought I’d tailor one or two little stories to their editorial line. I wrote two, sent them to the publisher under a pseudonym, and was therefore there when they opened them, discussed them, and accepted them. It all happened in the office, in front of me.

It’s only when they started going, ‘Oh, it would have been good to have her phone number, she hasn’t written it anywhere’ (I’d made up a pseudonymous hotmail account, though!) that I said, ‘Well, guess what! you can talk to her LIVE!’ and it was all very theatrical and amusing. That’s how my first two books got published, and then the third one was published with the same publisher as well but a year later.

P1040152My first three: Samiha et les fantômes, Les petites filles top-modèles, La plume de Marie

But see, in France the issue is that there aren’t any literary agents, at least not for unpublished writers. It’s not the way it works. Authors have to fend for themselves. They have to send manuscripts to publishers (they all accept unsollicited manuscripts, of course), and they have to negotiate their own contracts. This makes them much more vulnerable than in the UK.

Authors in France are rarely tied to a specific publishing house; many publish lots of different books with lots of different publishers, sometimes at the same time, because they have to make money and that, well, being published in France isn’t exactly the most comfortable position financially. Ok, I’ll be honest, it sucks. You’re paid very little, unless you’re remarkably famous, or remarkably good at negotiating. Volume is thus key if you want to make a living out of writing – or you can do lots of school visits, which are well-paid.

Since I don’t want to make a living out of my writing and don’t write very much in French (1 to 2 books a year, which is nothing compared to my French writerly friends), this isn’t my main preoccupation. Personally, my biggest problem is that in France, even when you’re already well-published, you can rarely guarantee that what you’re working on now will ever get published. You have to go through the whole process every time: writing a full manuscript, editing it thoroughly, sending it to publishers.

Of course, you might want to send it in priority to people who’ve already published you, as you have their personal email addresses and it might get read more quickly – but most of the time they’ll just be like, ‘No’. Rarely do editors say to you, ‘Let me read the first three chapters and I’ll tell you if it’s worth keeping writing’. Even more rarely will they give you a contract and a deadline just on the basis of that. So it’s extremely precarious (and discouraging). You pile up manuscripts that never find a publisher.

couv pouilleuseAnd when, conversely, you’re in the happy/ terrifying situation when more than one publisher wants your book, as happened with my latest YA novel La pouilleuse, well, you have to make a decision on your own. It’s tough, because you have very little actual knowledge of what the different publishers may do to your book.

So you weigh prestige against edginess, enthusiasm against advance money, and finally you make a completely uninformed, rushed decision. Not that I’m unhappy with my chosen publisher, mind you – I’m hopefully about to publish another 2 books with them next year. But in no way can I claim that my choice was either rational or business-like.

As a result an author’s relationship to publishers is always ambiguous, and a bit unhealthy. These are people you’re wrestled with, battled with. You’ve asked them for more money, for more author copies, for more consideration. They’ve rejected your stuff, sometimes harshly. They might reject what you’re writing now. They’re also more prone to things like emotional blackmail, voluntarily or not. You’re very dependent on them. It’s not a comfortable position for people like me, who aren’t particularly good at separating professional and private discussions and who’d rather not get paid at all than have to talk about money – especially when you feel like you’re begging for an extra 50€.

UK: On the passenger’s seat

In the UK, getting published is a completely different story. Of course there are ways to bypass agents and submit directly to publishers, but for me, that was a huge no-no. I knew, from my experience in France, that I didn’t have the guts or the patience or the knowledge to deal directly with publishers. So when I finished my first novel in English in 2010, I immediately looked for an agent.

It was a YA novel called Hominidae, and the day I sent the first 3 chapters and synopsis to Kirsty McLachlan at David Godwin Associates (I’d only sent it to 3 agencies, I think), she asked me for the full manuscript. A few days later I talked to her on the phone; we discussed ways of modifying it, I did the editing, we met up in London and she offered representation. It was extremely painless and fast.

Not like the year that followed. Because Hominidae never got sold. That was heartbreaking. When you get an agent you think you’ve done the hardest bit, and that now it’s going to sell – but when you get letter after letter after letter from publishers saying that ‘although they loved this and that, the full thing didn’t work for this or that reason’, that’s pretty awful. Especially as you keep thinking, gosh, my lovely agent’s going to drop me. She didn’t, thankfully.

Sleuth on SkatesIn the summer of 2011 I had another idea and wrote the first Sesame book, which at the time was called Sesame Seade Is Not A Swan and is now called Sleuth on Skates. Kirsty liked it, and dropped Hominidae (which wasn’t going anywhere) and started shopping Sesame. And then, interestingly, the same thing happened with Sesame that had happened with La pouilleuse: namely 3 publishers wanted it. And it was fascinating to see how differently it went.

Firstly, in France I had about two hours to make a decision, and had to make phone calls to French publishers on my own. I had virtually no useful information to decide and no one to consult. Here, Kirsty set up the process of decision and auction for Sesame to last over several days. I went down to London and we visited all three publishers together. They gave me sesame seed chocolates and sesame snaps. We talked for over an hour every time about potential illustrators, further books in the series, modifications to the manuscript, etc. They were selling themselves too – that’s what struck me the most. They were telling me what they would be bringing to the book concretely, not just saying that they liked it.

sesamesnapsThen they made their offers and the amazing, cool-headed Kirsty dealt with all that, which meant I didn’t even have to utter the words ‘advance money’ or ‘royalties’. Although it was still eminently stressful, it was a hundred times better than being alone in making that decision. I was on the passenger’s seat: I gave my opinion and expressed preferences but Kirsty was the one who was doing all the hard work.

I know that this account might make some UK authors cringe. They’ll say that even though we have agents, we have to be proactive and shrewd and take charge, that I’ve fallen into a trap and am just being lulled into a false sense of security. I agree, of course, to an extent – but believe me, when you’ve been through the jungle of the French system, you appreciate the comfort, albeit illusory.

This comfort extends to relationships with editors, too – I can talk to them and be friendly with them and plan things, knowing that whenever we start talking about money and the details of a contract Kirsty will be there. I don’t have to worry that I’ll be short-changed. The author-editor relationship, as a result, is über-professional, less tainted with ambiguous friendliness-eneminess.

Well well well, as usual I have written a blog post the size of my PhD thesis (which I’m almost done with, by the way!). I hope it’s a little bit instructive even by just reading the sentences in bold. Oh dear, I haven’t even shown what I wanted to show, i.e. pictures of my author copies of Sleuth on Skates which have just arrived in my pigeon hole!

P1050375

There are flaps with ducks doing manic things, courtesy of Sarah Horne

P1050376

There’s a map of Christ’s College, in which Sesame lives for parent-related reasons…

P1050379And here’s the pile!

Coming out May 2nd. Fun, busy times. Crazy crazy busy. But I promise you, random reader, that I’ll try to update this blog more regularly. You might not care; but then maybe you do.

Clem x

Should children’s writers like children?

ogre

That author

Every time I do school visits or go to a book fair, there’s always a grumpy paedophobic author somewhere. S/he’s been writing for longer that I’ve been alive and s/he’s seen it all. S/he’s sipping coffee in the teachers’ common room and ranting about those damned kids and their unimaginative questions. S/he’s in here for the €€, not the experience. S/he’s going on and on and on about ‘that annoying kid who always asks how long it takes to write a book and where I get my ideas from.’

And me, meanwhile, young, enthusiastic and naive and rather a fan of younger humans, I’m all like ‘Oh my! Goodness me! How can you possibly say that, you monster, you ogre ? Surely it is the greatest happiness in the world to talk to little readers, however dumb the questions! Surely the marvelous feeling of profound and inexplicable bliss that fills one when one is faced with children is universally shared!’ and I put my hand on my heart and I think of the cute freckles, dimples and missing teeth, and I swallow back tears of shock and fear and I wonder if this clearly deranged author should really be allowed to roam the school premises.

Slight exaggerations may have found their way into the previous two paragraphs, but the question’s not a stupid one. Should children’s authors actually like children? I don’t mean just tolerate, but actually like them? Should they feel increased levels of happiness, a certain special sense of connection, when in the presence of the kawaii beings? After all, there are dozens of misanthropic adult authors who don’t give a damn about their readers. And no adult author will ever be asked to confirm that they like adults.

Things Camus didn't say

Things Camus didn’t say

‘Oh yes, I love adults – I just love them. I love their happy faces when I sign their books, and they always come up with things that I find just wonderfully unexpected and marvelous… how can I explain it? It’s so mysterious. I can’t say why, but I’ve always been at ease with adults. Maybe it’s because I haven’t forgotten what it feels like to be an adult. I get on with them really well. They’re great, basically, and that’s why I write for them.’

We’d think they were bloody mental. What if some authors actually like writing for children because – like Philip Pullman – they think it’s a great experimental platform – which it is – but don’t really have anything to say to real kids outside of what they tell them through their art? How much of it is about the idea of childness, the ability to play with concepts, art forms, narratives that are particular to children’s literature – and how much of it actually has to be about real children?

That’s the crux of the matter, really. You can love the idea of children just as you love the idea of backpacking up and down the Andes, but you might suddenly find yourself a little bit less keen if you actually ended up parachuted into the montainous jungle. I think I love real children. I think I love talking to them, I think they make me laugh, surprise me and amaze me, and I think being around them makes me happy, but rationally, there’s no way this sweeping generalisation is possible without a preexisting idea of kids as a cool bunch of people, without a preexisting idea of childness as a special property for a human to have.

CIMG0736

I like her

Because it’s a bit like saying ‘I love cats’. I do love cats. But in fact I don’t. I don’t love all cats. I don’t like the ones that scratch and bite, bizarrely enough; I prefer the cuddly ones that purr, thank you very much. And yeah, when I go into a primary classroom, I tend to prefer the enthusiastic little Hermione whose hand shoots up into the air all the time to the sexually precocious duo of boys who ogle me and snigger and scribble down things to each other on a piece of paper.

So we have to grant one thing to the paedophobic writer: at least they’re seeing the kids as humans. As fallible, annoying, boring and silly, but as humans. The blissful, all-loving writer who ‘just adores kids in general’ might as well be saying that they love cats. Or old people. Or gays. Or Tories. Or dyslexics. You get the idea.

There are people who just love writing and for them, going into schools to talk to real kids is one of those things you have to do in your day job but that you don’t particularly like, such as brainstorming the name of a new guava-and-tapioca shampoo or filling in an Excel spreadsheet with the office’s stationary budget for the year or whatever people who have real jobs do.

And then there’s the rest of us, bumbling around like a flotilla of fairy godmothers, hopelessly endeared to the little readers, envisaging our work as a sort of whole project of life and mission for and with children, and unable to understand that yeah, some writers may tailor every single one of their books for people whom, in reality, they don’t really care about very much.

BS Writers Say To Sound Clever

Leave me alone, Poppy, I'm in the middle of replying to a difficult blog interview.

Leave me alone, Poppy, I’m in the middle of replying to a difficult blog interview.

1) I have written detailed backstories for all the characters. They’ll never make it into the book, but they’re there in my head and they constantly inform my writing.

Of course you have. Of course they ‘inform your writing’. You’ve definitely spent an hour poring over the calendar picking birth dates for absolutely everyone, making sure that the evil characters are Scorpios and that the one with the döppelganger happens to be a Gemini. Of course you’ve written paragraph after paragraph of backstory for Mrs Wiggins, Bobby’s mother, who appears on page 48 of book 4 and says, ‘It’s going to snow, Bobbykins, put your woolly hat on, the one with the stripes’.

The thing is, Mrs Wiggins when she was 8 had a cat called Merlin who died of cat pneumonia after walking through the snow – it was near Dover where she used to live because her parents worked there for the good reason that [insert Mrs Wiggins’s parents’ backstory]. So she is freaked out, Mrs Wiggins, freaked out that Bobby might catch pneumonia just like Merlin. She doesn’t actually remember Merlin. She’s repressed the memory. But it’s there in every word. ‘It’s going to snow’: o the trauma hidden in this prophetic half-sentence! A stripy hat. Why stripy? Because Merlin was stripy. He was a stripy grey-and-white cat that had been abandoned by his former owners because [insert Merlin’s backstory].

Of course you’ve written all that. And all of it is absolutely necessary to this one sentence by Mrs Wiggins, because it just wouldn’t work without it. The readers won’t know it, but they will feel it.

Decode the BS: ‘JK Rowling did that for her 7-book series, so it’s the thing to do. I want people to wonder about my characters’ backstories. I want them to think it’s all so much deeper than they think. I want them to ask me to tell them more.’

(The worst thing is probably when it’s not BS and the person has actually written that and wants to share. Oh the tedium of ‘character backstories’! It’s up there with having to listen to more than 10 seconds of someone else’s dream or latest game of Sims.)

2) There’s a soundtrack to my novel. It’s the music that inspired it when I was writing it. Here it is, just for you: Chapter 1: Leonard Cohen, Suzanne. Chapter 2: Rachmaninoff’s Third Piano Concerto. Chapter 3: Gotye, Somebody that I used to know. Chapter 4…

Right, we get it, you listen to random bits of stuff. Me too, it’s called having an iPod constantly on shuffle. But it’s not just that with you, no – you’re the emperor of eclecticism: indie, classical, pop, there’s nothing that you don’t like and that doesn’t inspire your writing. You’re cool like that!

Ok, so what do you suggest I do now? Shall I listen to the appropriate song on loop while reading the corresponding chapter? … Let’s see… Wow!… look at what you’ve done – it’s like, I mean, it’s just beautiful. Radiohead’s Creep with that sort of tortured, depressed teenage boy who discovers that he’s an Angeling (it’s an angel that changes into a changeling that changes into an angel)… It’s profound. It’s original. It’s more than YA. It’s hyperlinked YA. It’s like every sentence is a melody, and, like, when the heroine inevitably starts stuttering and blushing, I can almost hear the guitar riff that gives it so much power. There are no words.

Decode the BS: ‘Stephenie Meyer did that for Twilight and eventually Muse wrote a song especially for her books. Ergo, task number 1 before I start writing: find songs made of cool for soundtrack.’

3) Writing this book wasn’t easy. But I did it. I wrote bits of it everyday, on my 25-minute commute, on the back of my Oyster card holder. No one knew I had that in me. But it just had to come out. It was hard.

I feel for you. Life hasn’t been kind to you. You’ve managed to write and get published despite all the difficulties: your high-flying career, two kids, elderly parents, and above all the fact that no one was ever on your side. No, no one – for who could ever have foreseen that you’d write that book you had in you? Your English degree and years of lyrical student journalism and compulsive Facebook posting of motivational sentences vaguely related to book-writing didn’t raise anyone’s suspicions. In these adverse conditions, no one knew you were writing it, you had to do it in secret. It was only slightly less dangerous than a mission for the MI6. What if your boss had found out that you were using your lunch break to scribble terrified notes for Chapter 16 on the only napkin that Prêt à Manger’s eco-friendly waiter had reluctantly agreed to give you?

Anyway, that’s so like you, you brave, shy, stoic little soldier, keeping focused like that when everything around you is conspiring to make it so difficult.

Decode the BS: ‘This book had to come out. It was a struggle. It possessed me. It won. Therefore it is important and will have meaning for everyone else.’

4) I never intended to get published, it sort of happened.

Of course, the book contract came as a huge shock. Firstly, you never believed that it was worth publishing; it was just a way of whiling away the hours for you, little stories you told yourself in your head. One day, just for fun, you wrote it all down and laid it all out on Word, justified on the right, 1.5 linespacing in Times New Roman 12 as it says in the Children’s Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook that you accidentally ordered from Amazon.

And it all went on from then, a series of incredible coincidences. You had no idea how anything in publishing works; one day you just happened to slip the first three chapters of your manuscript in an envelope to an agent with a personal statement and synopsis you’d typed by randomly banging your nose on your keyboard with your eyes closed, and six months and 17 submissions and one re-submission later, SURPRISE! You had an agent!

But you really thought it would stop there, since there was no reason at all to think that anything should ensue, until after checking your mobile phone 29 540 545 times a day for another six months you got The Call saying that a publisher wanted it. You were completely blown away.

Decode the BS: ‘Contrary to all those mercenary writers who have been trying to get published for years and flock to specialised websites and conferences, my publishing success is due only to ingenuous, disinterested talent.’

5) I never think of my readers: I just write for myself.

Judging from previous evidence that you are an incurable narcissist, I would be willing to believe you. But sure, you only write for yourself; because it is so endlessly fascinating to reread one’s prose that I never go on holiday without packing all of my own books in my suitcase and reading them on the plane, sighing at the tribulations of my protagonists which I always rediscover in a new light. That’s why you only write ‘things you’d like to read’, which as everyone knows is an extremely clear and monolithic category of stories.

Or do you mean that you only write for your own pleasure, and that you’re not concerned with public recognition? OK then, I’ll leave you to your onanistic literary pastime. That author over there sounds like they care a little bit about me as a reader, so I’ll assume that they’re more in need of people buying their books.

Decode the BS: ‘If I say I have readers in mind, it will make it sound like I’m selling myself to the public. But I want people to think I’m Independent and above that.’

What other BS have you heard writers utter?

BiSous!

Clem x

 

Why Writing a Synopsis Is Like Assembling IKEA Furniture

I’ikeave just finished writing the synopsis for the third novel in the Sesame Seade series, Scam on the Cam. Those things are never easy, especially with very intricate plots (I like very intricate plots), but they’re as necessary to a novel as IKEA furniture is to a new house. And that’s not the only thing they’ve got in common. Here’s more, in 20 ‘easy’ steps.

  1. They require fitting together lots of bits and bobs that you had lying around in different places and had no idea what went where, before you read…
  2. … the instructions – also known as: your jotted-down notes on a tiny Moleskine – gleefully illustrated, that must have made sense some time in the faraway past but don’t anymore. Therefore you’re going to follow the most understandable ones, but for the rest…
  3. … improvise. Especially as that tool that screws something into place on Step 3 doesn’t work at all for Step 9, unless you sort of hold it at a different angle and help it fit with an old kitchen knife…
  4. … ouch. Erm, what the hell are all those random pieces that fit nowhere?
  5. … and why the hell has that flimsy thing on Step 6 completely gone loose all of a sudden?
  6. … dammit, it’s bigger than I thought.
  7. … except that part, which is surprisingly short – I’m sure that’s not what I had in mind…
  8. … I know – what if I started with the last steps and then worked my way backwards? YES, it works!
  9. … nope, it doesn’t. Ah, wait, now it sort of does: it’s a bit wobbly, but let’s say it’s fine…
  10. … except that I somehow need to move that piece I’ve already used in Step 21 back to Step 4.
  11. … *huge racket signalling the heavy collapse of something studded with metal*
  12. …That’s it, I’ll never be able to salvage it. Why, why? Why am I so useless? What basic motorskills do I lack? What part of my brain has stopped working? I knew I wasn’t ever made to do this; I knew it was too complicated for me. I’m such a fraud. O cruel object, I had such grand designs for you… Such wonderful ideas of how to decorate you, how to make you mine, how to get people to like you! It’s all gone now, gone! I’m going to chuck you in the bin! *kicks it feriously*
  13. *clunky noise* Oh, what’s that piece?
  14. Could it be the one that was missing from Step 3…?
  15. YES! IT WORKS!
  16. IT WORKS! Look at it! Look! Look! I’ve done it! DONE DONE DONE! Ta-dah!
  17. Can now go and sleep. The work is done, my friends.
  18. Except the whole place is in a huge mess. Will deal with it tomorrow.
  19. Next day: damn. The work is not actually done. I now need to put things in it, and on it, and decorate it, and make it mine. This is just the… *gulp*… beginning.
  20. God. The whole structure’d better not crumble down on me the minute I try to put a tiny little thing on it. Let’s see…

… Oh, a monkey in a coat. Wait, what?

Clem x

Sesame Uncovered!

… or rather, here’s the cover of Sesame Seade book 1: Sleuth on Skates, out with Hodder on May 2nd, 2013!

My first ever book in English!

My first ever series!

My first ever book with a DUCK ON A SKATEBOARD on the cover!

(etc)

And it’s also got a spine! and a back cover! and FLAPS!

Yes, there is a duck sitting on the Hodder sign on the spine.

Yes, there is a moustachioed fish in the pond near the ISBN.

Yes, the blurb sounds like I’m arrogantly praising my own storytelling talent, but it was the publisher’s idea.

And YES, a team of young ‘uns got to read the manuscript and some their words are all over the flap! (the other ones are in my Box of Things I Will Treasure Forever.)

All of the amazing drawings are of course by Sarah Horne, and all the design is by the Hodder team under the supervision of my editor Ellen Holgate. What a cool early Christmas surprise!

I printed out a tiny version of it so that the other books on my bookshelf could get used to it being part of the clan soon…

Fluffy clementine approves.

See you in a little bit less than 6 months for the ACTUAL book!

Clem x

Paved with good intentions? 2/2: Critical State(s)

Note: this blog post follows from that one.

Back to our conversation on the death of the author. Last time, I’d left you with a breathtaking cliffhanger:

What happens when the critic enters the scene???!

 

This question is at the heart of a recent academic article by Catherine Butler (a British researcher in children’s literature) published in Children’s Literature in Education and entitled ‘Critiquing Calypso: Authorial and Academic Bias in the Reading of a Young Adult Novel’. It’s accessible here, but only if you’re logged in through your university (grrr… don’t get me started on the topic of access to academic journals).

In this article, Butler, who happens to be both an academic in children’s literature and a fiction-writer, analyses the analysis of one of her novels (Calypso Dreaming) made by four Olympians of children’s literature criticism in an academic volume.

Butler rejects the Barthesian notion that the author of a work is the least well-placed person to talk about it critically – ‘not because authors of fiction lack bias or a stake in promoting
certain ways of understanding their texts’, she says, ‘but because bias is the universal condition
of critical reading.’

As she demonstrates, very detachedly and with careful argumentation, there’s no reason to believe that the writer’s opinion on their work is any more biased than the critic’s. The death of the author, which, as Barthes wishes, gives rise to ‘the birth of the critic’, only signals the dawn of another supreme authority on the text. Criticism remains a non-neutral, creative form of writing.  Both writer and critic have an agenda.

It may sound obvious to anyone who’s ever done literary analysis, but it’s actually quite rarely spelt-out in this context. When we ‘debate’ critical readings of a text, we generally mean that we’re comparing two interpretations of a text by two different critics – not that we think that the author could have a say. A good author is a dead author. Repeat.

And yet, when we try to ignore the author’s opinion on their works, we’re willingly setting aside a specific critical reading informed by specific, albeit partly non-academic, sources. But the author, as Butler argues, is largely considered in the Ivory Tower to be narcissistic, incapable of self-criticism, oblivious of what they’re doing. This vision might come from, as she notes in an earlier article, a traditional disdain of the intellectual for the ‘artisan’.

And let’s be honest, it’s true that when Stephenie Meyer says about Twilight that if she’s writing that a vampire wants to drink blood, that’s exactly what she means, and where are we getting all this rape imagery from?, well, we’re justified in thinking that-


But meanwhile, there’s Vladimir Nabokov, A.S. Byatt, Salman Rushdie, J.R.R. Tolkien, Philip Pullman, Jean-Paul Sartre, and dozens of others who were or are both literary critics and fiction-writers and might have a few interesting things to say about their work – at least as much as the next Doctor in Literature who critiques it.

Plus, this realm of the critic since the second half of the 20th century isn’t exactly the clear, detached, passion-free enterprise that we’d like to think. It’s full of dark desires. Barthes was a frustrated fiction-writer, of course – there’s no book that yearns to be a novel more than The Pleasure of the Text – and by killing the author, he managed to promote himself magically as the new big authority.

Those who are both authors and critics know it better than anyone: whatever you do, you’ll always be trapped in the same themes and motifs. Childhood, power, time – that’s my own thematic triangle, which I reiterate again and again throughout both my academic and my creative writings. As Butler says, the only difference is that these obsessions express themselves with a slight variation from one type of writing to the other:

I write about this in academic texts, but I write through it in fiction

If the writer’s discourse on their books is intelligent, informed, pertinent, critical, then it’s not justifiable to leave it at the door of the Tower.

And anyway, this barrier between the critical and the creative doesn’t even exist anymore on the Internet. On my Twitter feed I can see Margaret Atwood answering readers’ questions, aspiring writers asking for help with character names or plot elements, established children’s authors commenting on their current project. The work is being critiqued as it is being written. The author isn’t a Stieg-Larssonnesque figure, brutally dying after leaving their manuscript on the doorstep of their publisher. They’re there all the time, before, during and after the writing, and their discourse, whether helpful or completely silly, is available in real time for everybody.

The author is the elephant in the room. And guess where the ivory came from to build that Tower?

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